Monday, October 5, 2009


I'm taking a deep breath, letting my negative emotions go, and refocusing. It's very difficult to remember what's important, and not let things get to me. While I would hesitate severely to label myself a firebrand, but I am more than up to the task of rising to the occasion. Forgive and forget in not my mantra. Once wronged I tend to hang onto that wrong for a long time, especially when an apology is not forthcoming. I don't enjoy conflict, and try to avoid it, but when it's forced upon me I flip into "winning" mode. I still derive pleasure from times I've bested people. I think back with a smile and say to myself, "That's right, don't fuck with me." (Pardon my language, I'm trying to stop cursing, but that is what I think). However, in the big scheme of things, none of it really matters. It hurts, but it doesn't matter. I let the bad get to me too much. Hence the deep breath, getting back to my Buddhist roots (doesn't that sound better than an atheist philosopher? Not that there haven't been a lot of those...) and finding what I enjoy again.

Often I find that my life lacks meaning. I wake up and wonder why I get out of bed, when I don't do anything. However, I can find more to do than getting past my depression sometimes allows. Life is full of conflicts and strife, and one way or another I would have to deal with it. Nothing is perfect. We're dealing with an extremely stupid apartment rule, for example. I'm trying not to let it bother me. There is hope on the horizon though. It's called a spinal nerve block. I'm not exactly sure what kind they'll give me, as there seem to be many different kinds, but according to Dr. Hemsworth (who gave me my referral to a pain management specialist today!!!) I will get something short lived in nature, and if that works, there are longer term options. We may be looking at destroying the nerves in that area of my abdomen altogether, which sounds serious, and probably is, but I would go through much worse to be rid of this pain. It may be time to start thinking about, "Wow, I'm able to have a life plan again." What do I want to do? I don't know anymore, it's been so long since I could attempt anything that requires a long term commitment. Without pain my possibilities are endless. I am holding on to my reservations until a treatment has been successful, but after this long, I don't think I would know what to do with myself if it was sprung upon me suddenly. But in theory David could give me his GI bill benefits. I could go back to college! What for? What do I want to do??? Can you imagine? Because I can't. Another deep breath. One step at a time.

David should be back from the dog park soon, and I'm going to see if he wants to go to the library with me. Time to get a library card! There are so many books I want to read, but I don't feel like buying them all. Not only is there the cost of the book, there's the cost of buying more bookcases, because the two I have are already full. I'm excited!

We close in 8 days!!! I know what I'm doing for the next week! Packing, planning, and pricing. woot woot! We're so excited!